Reminders: Conflict Resolution
by Ardith Hoff
President Ronald Reagan said, “The person who agrees with you 80% of the time is a friend and an ally, not a 20% traitor.” What's true in politics is also true in relationships, and especially in marriage. Focus on the 80%. Time, 1/29/18, p.24
In the midst of a disagreement, it is hard to remember all the other issues we agree on. We might feel like the party on the other side of the issue is trying to beat us down because we have a difference of opinion. Long-standing friendships, churches and marriages have come unglued over rather minor disagreements. Wouldn’t it be great if we could learn to have arguments where both parties feel good at the end? Easier said than done, right?
There are some tested strategies that can help, if we can agree to abide by them. First, we need to agree that we want to come to an agreement. Second, we need to agree to take a cooling off time out. One way to do that is to take 30 seconds for prayer to ask God to help us reach a peaceful resolution. Next, we must agree that each side will listen care-fully (caring for the other party and hearing them fully). Fourth, that we will be respectful (showing the other party full respect––no belittling of them or their position). Fifth, that we will try to see the merits of both sides of the argument––maybe listing pros and cons of each, and finally, that we will try to reach an agreement or at least a reasonable compromise.
The ultimate goal is to agree on an option that benefits both sides to some extent. When one party wins by aggressive behavior or one party simply gives in, someone is losing. That means we get outcomes that do not resolve the underlying causes of the conflict. This process sounds good on paper, but in the heat of a disagreement it is hard to remember. Sometimes having a neutral party mediate to make sure the rules are followed is necessary. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” Matthew 9:5